


Kaidan Alenko Appreciation Week 2015

by MidnightMinx90



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Family, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Romance, Survivor Guilt, kaidanappreciationweek2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:51:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4515585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightMinx90/pseuds/MidnightMinx90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of short stories/snippets focused on Kaidan, as well as his relationship with Shepard</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Family

**Day 1: August 1st-Family. (Normandy Crew, past and present)**  
  
\---  
  
When Kaidan had joined the military, he had never expected to find a family; not to find comrades he could not only trust to have his back, but who would also kick back with a beer or a game of cards.  
  
He loves his space family, loves that it’s made up of a ragtag group of humans, krogans, an asari, a turian, a quarian, an AI and a prothean. Trusting Garrus had even been easier than Kaidan had expected, and the turian had become his first non-human friend.  
  
Kaidan misses his blood-family, of course he does, but he’s glad to find family doesn’t mean blood or even the same species.  
  
Normandy is home, and everyone on board can be counted as a big family, whether they were there on the original Normandy or joined after the attack on Earth. The ones lost are never forgotten, the ones no longer with them for whatever reason is always welcomed aboard.  
  
He finds he sometimes starts to consider the idea of the ones who worked with Shepard against the Collectors, and since left Cerberus, can one day be counted as family, even by him. The thought takes Kaidan by surprise every time it shows up, but they seem honourable enough; they stayed with Shepard until they had no choice, fought with him until the very end of the mission, knowing the most likely outcome would be death for all of them.  
  
Kaidan will sometimes overhear Shepard talk to others about those squad mates, or Shepard will find himself talking about them to Kaidan, stopping only when he remember that Kaidan wasn’t there then, and sometimes that makes Kaidan’s heart skip a beat.  
  
Maybe he should have given them a chance, joined Shepard when he could, trusted Shepard knew what he was doing, trusted the people Shepard trusted and accepted them, too, as family.  
  
Then again, sometimes a smaller family means fewer losses. Fewer incidents like Ashley and all the crew lost when the Collectors attacked the first Normandy.  
Not that it’s necessarily a good thing.  
  
And just because it’s bigger now, doesn’t mean they’re any less close than the original crew and squad. More so, in many cases. Liara, Garrus and Tali in particular; the ones who have been with Shepard from the very start and never doubted him, never denied him help with anything.  
  
The original family. Kaidan doesn’t want to admit to it, but he feels left out of the loop, sometimes, listening to the tales about the would-be-might-be family members and what they would get in to when trying to save the world.  
It makes him feel as though he left the family, not realising how alone it made him feel.  
  
Kaidan doesn’t think he’s ever been as alone as he was after he thought Shepard died, but then he didn’t die and came back and Kaidan walked away, doing only what he thought was right, _stuck by what he had been taught, what he felt was right, as a good solider does,_ but the loneliness and yearning for the family that had been and would never again truly be had been so much worse after turning down Shepard’s offer.  
  
Because despite what Kaidan claimed to himself, there was a part of him that had thought it wrong to deny Shepard, to deny himself the possibility of a family that was kinda-the-same, kinda-not, but could be more, bigger, than the original had been.  
  
He’s back now, though, with a family not too different from the first one, but different and bigger in the ways that mattered, that showed the power of Shepard and his convictions and abilities as a leader and head of a family.  
  
More than any one of them, Shepard deserves a family, unofficial and mixed as it is, and Kaidan could not be happier to be a part of it again.  
  
And maybe one day, Shepard and Kaidan will begin a family of their own, and neither of them will have any qualms about raising a family put together like the rag-tag group of family that inhabits the Normandy.


	2. Growing Up

**Day 2: August 2nd-Childhood/Adolescence/Young Adult Life (Overlooking English Bay)**  
  
  
\---  
  
What Kaidan had missed the most apart from his family when he was at Brain Camp had without doubt been English Bay and the views.  
  
Well, not only the views, but the scent of the ocean air, the colours of the sky as the sun set, and the screams of the gulls and other birds rising to a cacophony at times that he somehow found he didn’t mind.  
  
Truth be told, he still misses everything about the place, even now on the Normandy.  
Brain Camp was too quiet, too void of colour and it took Kaidan ages to fall asleep without the sounds he had grown up with and accustomed to.   
  
He misses the ocean, the ports with their ships, the contrast of the sandy shores and the greens of the grass and trees against the endless sky, and the skyscrapers piercing the heavens above.  
Kaidan misses gazing at the sky with his father at night through the telescope; his father teaching him the names of stars and planets and constellations, later quizzing him on them.  
  
When Kaidan had been young, before Brain Camp, he had longed to explore the vast worlds out there, both in his own system and every other.  
But now, years later, he still dreams of the English Bay; the sounds of birds as the sun rose and painted the world in vivid colours.   
  
He misses the snow, too, so different from the one on other planets, yet so alike it makes his heart ache to think of home, of family, of childhood and building snowmen and snow fights and snow angels.   
Kaidan wants to take Shepard there, one day, to his family. To show him thing the Commander never got to experience growing up. He wants to teach him skiing, make him hot chocolate and curl up in front of the fireplace wearing woollen stockings and sweaters knit by his mom.  
  
Kaidan sometimes tries to describe the way the Bay feels and looks like, but even with vids and photographs it’s impossible to explain the place to someone who’s never been there, and even those that have don’t see the Bay just quite like he does.  
  
But if Kaidan’s to be honest with himself, he prefers it that way, because it makes English Bay even more unique and special to him, because he’s the only one to see it that way, and it makes him cherish and miss the place even more.  
  
It makes Kaidan nostalgic, too, thinking about the place and growing up there; makes him long for what once was and will never be the same again. He most often finds the thoughts of nostalgia to be pathetic though, because each day things changes, nothing will ever be the same way again and that’s okay, that’s how it’s meant to be.  
  
Static is never good, and it worries him, sometimes, thinking about the place as he remembers it, not knowing how he’ll react to the place when he returns one day.  
  
_If it’s still standing,_ a voice will sometime whisper in his ear and Kaidan ignores it as best he can; fearing the truth about the statement. _It’s still standing; it will never fall, not as long as I still remember it._


	3. Combat

**Day 3: August 3rd-Combat (Ardat-Yakshi Monastery)**  
  
\---  
  
Everything hurts, but it’s not his first migraine and so he does his best not to let his pain show. _This is important, we have to help, have to save, have to fix, can collapse later_.   
  
“Everything alright?” Liara’s voice is soft, cautious, lest the enemies hear. It takes a moment for Kaidan to understand she’s talking to him, but he gives her a thumb up, fearing his voice will give him away, and what a nod might to do his head.  
  
It feels like it might explode; pain shooting through every vein, and not even killing the newest Reapers help, because there are more, always more further in and Kaidan can no longer know for sure if it’s his implants, the screeches of the Banshees or both.  
  
His world is red hot searing pain, but he can get through this too, has survived migraines almost this bad before. He can’t fail now, the second human Spectre.   
  
“Kaidan?” Shepard’s voice this time, the man himself appearing in front of Kaidan, a worrying look on his face.  
“I’ll be fine. We have to help Samara and her daughter.”  
“You don’t sound fine to me though. The banshees giving you trouble?”  
“I said I’m fine,” Kaidan says through gritted teeth.   
  
He doesn’t miss the look passing between Shepard and Liara, but he’s in no condition to start an argument, especially because another screech pierces the air as two more banshees appear amidst a group of other Reapers.  
  
Kaidan doesn’t hesitate a second, leaping from cover to cover as he alternates between using his powers and weapon, the other two just behind him.  
He focuses mostly on the screeching, using the pain and annoyance as fuel for taking them down as quickly as he can, gritting his teeth all the while.  
  
Moving on through the rooms and down stairs gets harder and harder as they advance through the monastery, even as he knows that each step brings them closer to ending the mission.  
  
So many of them, though, too many, and there is no comfort in seeing the blood of the twisted creatures splatter the walls and floors and columns and plants, because there seems to be no end to them.  
  
Kaidan has never wanted to blow a place apart as much as he wants to with this place; not only because of the horrors tormenting him, but because of the horrors that have taken place here.  
He wants the place to disappear, not leave any trace but they’re letting it stand, because that is the only way Samara’s only living daughter can still live, without either her or her mother having to take their life.  
  
And then his world turns black with the streaks of red hot pain subsiding until he wakes up in the med bay, Shepard at his side, holding his hand so hard it almost distracts from the pain in his head, but not quite.  
  
“Hey you,” Shepard says gently when he sees Kaidan’s opened his eyes.   
“What happened?”   
“We were talking with Samara and then you fainted, screaming as you fell. You had me so worried; I didn’t know what to do! Please don’t ever do that again!”  
“You know I can’t promise that, not with these implants.”  
“Banshees?”  
“Yeah.”  
  
Shepard looks at him and thankfully Kaidan can’t see any pity in his eyes. Those who know of the L2 implants usually looks at him with pity, but Kaidan hates that; it makes him feel like they look at him and see a weak person who they have to be careful around.  
But Shepard, Shepard knows how it is, how to show Kaidan he doesn’t think he’s weak or any less able than any other person with biotic powers.  
  
“Then why didn’t you say something? At least when we asked you if you were okay?”  
“Didn’t want to compromise the mission.”  
“Kaidan…”  
“Shepard, it means something to be the second human Spectre, to prove I’m just as capable and tough as anyone else out there.”  
“It doesn’t mean risking your life or health or sanity over it. Or mine, were something to happen to you. I’m not speaking only as your commander, but your friend and lover. If it bothers you again, you tell me, and then we decide how to proceed. We’re in this together, Kaidan.”  
“Okay. Thanks Shepard.”


	4. Friendship

**Day 4: August 4th-Friendship (Cortez)**

  
\---  
  
Finding someone who’s been through something similar as you can be rewarding, but also painful. If one is ready and willing to talk about it, it can be a factor in a healing progress, but if not, it will only rip up old wounds.  
  
Learning Steve lost his husband, _to the Collectors_ , feels like a stab to Kaidan’s gut.   
Kaidan was luckier, so much much luckier, but he still knows what Steve is going through, spending two years thinking Shepard was dead, _at the hands of the Collectors._  
  
Funny how the world works; using the twisted remnants of what used to be the greatest, most mysterious alien race into something that connects people.   
  
Steve talks about his husband, and Kaidan offers only sympathy and not pity. He knows everything about pity, after all.  
Kaidan in return talks about Shepard and their adventures before the Collectors, how different things were back then, before the Collectors, and before the Reapers became the threat they are now.  
  
Other times they talk about their lives in the army, the comrades they haven’t seen in a long time and Kaidan’s students. Kaidan will talk about his biotics and mention how lucky he is to only suffer migraines, while Steve talks about the various ships and shuttles he’s flown.   
  
They share their fear of losing again; Kaidan with Shepard and his family as the biggest, and Steve with James, as he’s lost virtually everyone else he’s ever been close to.  
And he’ll tell Kaidan about James and their time serving together and how glad Steve is that James is there with him, providing a familiar face in the sea of the ever-growing family on board.   
  
Sometimes they don’t talk about anything in particular, just relax on the starboard observation deck, or in the lounge, looking at the stars, having a drink or playing poker with Shepard and James.   
  
The quiet is good, too; the quiet you can experience when you’re so comfortable around a person that you know that the silence isn’t too much, isn’t stretching out, and Kaidan can see the good it does to Steve, especially after he placed the last recoding of his husband’s voice at the memorial at the Citadel.  
Kaidan never said anything to Steve, but it was clear he threw himself into his work in order to avoid thinking about Robert.  
  
But it’s impossible for them both to stay quiet when Shepard takes a dive in the Triton; impossible not to share worries and fears and _what if he doesn’t come back up?_ Talking about others things, things unrelated to what can go wrong is hard, but Steve starts talking about where he grew up, prompting Kaidan to talk about English Bay and how different the sea of this planet is to the one he loves and how he really hopes there are no giant monsters living in or just outside the bay.  
  
And when Shepard comes back up, Kaidan can’t help but kiss him, thankful that James is distracting Steve, because Kaidan wants to protect his newest brother, doesn’t want to flaunt what he has but Steve lost.  
  
Because he cares enough about the other man to do that, which is something he’s never done with anyone ever before.


	5. Romance

**Day 5: August 5th-Romance (Sheploo)**  
  
\---  
  
Kaidan still can’t believe his luck, thinks he never might, not fully. Waking up with Shepard at his side, sharing his cabin, used to be a dream back when they started out serving together.  
  
And then he lost him and rejected him and he still came back, and he wanted Kaidan and Kaidan still wanted him.  
It seems too unreal still, too much like he used to dream and he fears waking up finding out it’s not real, that Shepard is dead after all.  
  
He never tells Shepard of those fears, not wanting to seem uncertain or worried, so instead he’ll curl up with Shepard in his arms, or hold his hand extra tight, give it an extra squeeze before another mission, or if he’s not coming along, he’ll kiss him, hard and fast and barely refrain from asking him to _come back alive this time too_.   
  
Then he’ll spend all his time worrying, listening and watching for the smallest hint of him returning or something going wrong.  
  
Like when they’re supposed to be on shore leave and Shepard gets shot at and falls through a fish tank and several floors down, surrounded by mercs with only a pistol to defend himself with.   
So he mocks Shepard, pretends everything’s okay and that he didn’t fear for the worst when he heard that Shepard needed help.  
  
When Kaidan looks at the clone, he secretly wonders if he’d been able to tell the difference right from the start if he hadn’t known about it, and he tries telling himself that of course he would know, of course, because that thing isn’t Shepard, will never be.  
  
And then the clone is dead and they have some time off, hopefully, at last, and maybe now they’ll finally get to spend some time together, just the two of them.  
  
They do, when the party ends, both so exhausted they barely exchange a few kisses before falling asleep, fully clothed, in each other’s arms and Kaidan starts to finally feel that this, this is real; Shepard in his arms and their extended family out there, and maybe if they survive this they’ll get to do this again.  
  
Then it’s finally just the two of them and the apartment, and of course Kaidan will take advantage of that, making them dinner, _getting distracted about the thoughts of a life that can be like this in the future, the two of them and children_ , relaxing on the couch and then burning off those calories because Kaidan needs to feel Shepard, needs to feel him alive and well beneath his hands, warm to the touch and responsive to the smallest touch.  
  
It’s so easy, being with Shepard, fitting together perfectly as they do, finally having found one another after all these years of denials and uncertainty.   
  
Kaidan never thought saying _I love you_ would be easy, but telling it to Shepard is as easy as breathing, as easy as sliding his own hand into his, or kissing him in the morning despite both having morning breaths.  
And hearing Shepard say it back makes Kaidan so happy that he thinks he might float away into space, and he doesn’t care how sappy it sounds, because he’s happy, he’s in love and loved and he’ll never leave Shepard’s side, ever again.  
  
Because he might just die if he had to.


	6. Guilt

Day 6: August 6th-Grief/Guilt/Sadness (Ashley)

\---

Kaidan still dreams about Ashley. He dreams about Shepard coming back to save him, about making the choice to make sure the bomb went off, but also the choice between two squad mates. Two friends.  
Despite being a Spectre himself, Kaidan can’t see himself being able to make the choice.

He doesn’t admit to it, but he feels guilty, despite not having a choice. He should have been like Ash, demanding that the Commander save the other person, leave me here, I can handle this, I’ll make sure the bomb goes off, take the others and leave.

The question of why me fills his mind often, and he finds it increasingly difficult not to look at her name on the ever growing list of the names of the people who have lost or given their lives for the cause.  
Because there is a difference between losing your life and giving it up for what is right. Ash didn’t lose hers; she gave it away, knowing that her life was the difference between a failed and a successful mission. 

A heroic sacrifice, unlike the ones lost when the first Normandy got attacked, or the crew got taken from the second Normandy.  
Kaidan knows that joining the army or serving on a ship means laying down your life there and then, knowing that there will come a moment when something will happen and the smallest thing will make the largest difference.

Like Joker could so easily have been taken too, had it not been for EDI and for Joker trusting her enough to set her free.

Thane, too, took control and chose his own death, chose to use it to save another life, knowing it would most likely be the end of his own; preferring to die in or of battle, not in a hospital bed after years of getting weaker.

But Ash will forever be Kaidan’s biggest loss and he doesn’t ever think he’ll stop feeling guilty over having his life valued more than hers. He knows he could have set off the bomb without help, knows he could have completed the mission and let Ash escape wither her life.

Kaidan had been prepared to lay down his life, to give it up willingly because that’s what he’s been trained to since joining the military, and the choice was taken away from him.  
He can’t see a reason as to why he’s allowed to live on.

He loves Shepard, loves that he gets to spend be with him as a friend and partner, and it feels like he’s betraying Shepard’s trust and choices by not trusting that he made the right choice, bu he doesn’t know what do to bout it, doesn’t know how to tell him when he wakes up, drenched in sweat, reliving the moment when Ashley’s intercom went silent and he realised he’d never hear her voice again.

He lies, when Shepard asks what’s wrong; claiming he dreams he gets the message that one or more family members are dead, or that Shepard is dead, for real this time, or one of his students or a Normandy family member.  
Shepard accepts his words, though they sound hollow to Kaidan’s ears and he thinks Shepard only pretends to believe him; that he thinks Kaidan will tell him the truth when he’s ready to.

And maybe one day Kaidan will be able to tell him about his guilt. But not today.


	7. Future

Day 7: August 7th- **Future**. 

  
\---  
  
The future is such a vast, scary thought that Kaidan avoids it at all cost.  
  
But lately the thoughts and hopes and dreams of a future with Shepard, _with Shepard and children and a large house with room for their extended family from all corners of the universe_.  
And it scares him.  
  
The hopes and dreams are terrifying, because so much could go wrong before they’re able or allowed to retire from the front, before they can begin to consider where they want to settle down. Not thinking is better, almost all of the time, because not thinking about it means no worries about all that can go wrong before they get there.  
  
_Deaths and kidnappings and hurts and losses and break-ups._  
  
Sometimes Kaidan thinks that this day, maybe, he’s ready to talk to Shepard about the future, _their future, together_. But he backs out every time, fearing what the answer might be.  
  
Kaidan tries to tell himself it’s irrational of him to think this way, but there are still those sneaking thoughts creeping around his mind, making him feel uncertain, telling him there’s no way Shepard will still want him once this is over, no matter what it might seem like at the moment.   
  
He fights against the thoughts the best he can, set on ignoring them as lies and useless worries, because he wants this, wants a future with Shepard, so fighting for that shouldn’t be hard, shouldn’t be frightening.  
  
So he talks to Steve, the two of them sitting on the observation deck, a beer each. Kaidan asks Steve how and when he knew Robert was the one, how he was sure that he was the one he wanted to marry and share his life with.  
  
“You just know, Kaidan. It’s not like I woke up one day and just _knew_. It came gradually, going from romance, to living together, to me not being able to envision a single day without him. But I didn’t propose until months later, because there was no rush. We were in love and that was enough for us, until we wanted to show our love to our friends and family, wanted to fully commit and become a family in the real way, the legal way. We got married because it was right for _us_.”  
  
They sit in silence for a while, Kaidan thinking about Steve’s words and he can feel the rightness of them, the conviction behind his words.  
  
“So, you plan on proposing to the Commander anytime soon? I don’t mean to offend, but some of us are wondering on who’ll pop the question first and my money’s on you.”  
“Wait, you have a bet on us?!”  
“You gotta take it up with James and Garrus; they came up with it over poker one night and the rest of the squad and I jumped on board. Even the Doc is in on it I heard.”  
  
Kaidan just blinks at him, wondering how this happened and how he could have been stupid enough not to see that maybe it’s time, maybe this is right, that when everyone else can see how good they are together, he should too.  
  
“I would advise you to do it this week unless you want Joker to win his bet against me,” EDI joins in over the intercom, startling both Steve and Kaidan.  
“Thanks, EDI. I keep forgetting you do that though; gotta say I prefer speaking to you now that you’ve got a body and all.”  
“I simply wished not to intrude too much, but I will try to remember.”  
  
The thoughts are whirling around in Kaidan’s head, _can I do this, can I really take this leap and ask him what I want most of all?_  
  
Steve looks at him and smiles.  
“Trust me, you can do this. You’ve got nothing to fear; it’s clear as the sky out there that he won’t turn you down. Oh, and maybe not do it in public, cause I’m sure you’ll both want to celebrate accordingly once he says _yes_.”  
  
There’s no helping the blush that rises in Kaidan’s cheeks at the last comment, knowing the truth of it.  
  
“Thank you, Steve.”  
The shuttle pilot just smiles in return, returning his gaze back to the view outside.


End file.
